I Want to Love You

Virginia Satir’s Wisdom on Love and Relationships

I want to love you without clutching,
Appreciate you without judging,
Join you without invading,
Invite you without demanding,
Leave you without guilt,
Criticize you without blaming,
And help you without insulting.
If I can have the same from you,
then we can truly meet and enrich each other.

Virginia Satir, a trailblazer in family therapy, is celebrated for her profound understanding of human emotions and relationships. Her timeless poem I Want to Love You encapsulates the essence of love in tender, insightful language. Satir invites us to redefine love as not merely an emotional bond but an intentional practice rooted in respect, understanding, and wisdom. (Photo from Wikimedia commons)

Satir emphasized the importance of nurturing love that is healthy, respectful, and boundaries. Her work reveals that true love fosters connection, trust, and mutual growth. This approach provides a blueprint for enriching relationships, particularly within families and marriages, where deep emotional bonds often coexist with challenges.

Love in Parent-Child Relationships

Satir’s therapeutic approach frequently emphasized parenting as a delicate balance of nurturing and letting go. One of her core principles was the importance of validating children’s emotions and individuality.

She often used metaphors to illustrate her points. For instance, she likened parenting to tending a garden: “You water the seeds, but you cannot decide how each flower will bloom.” This philosophy highlights the role of parents in providing unconditional support during early childhood while allowing space for independence as the child matures.

A famous anecdote from her work involved a mother who struggled with her teenage daughter’s rebellion. Satir encouraged the mother to write a letter expressing her love without judgment. This simple act fostered a renewed connection, demonstrating how acknowledgment and respect can rebuild bonds.

Parenting, as Satir taught, is about cultivating trust and allowing children to flourish as autonomous individuals, experiencing love as a source of empowerment rather than control.

Cultivating Love in Marital Bonds

Satir believed that love in marriage thrives on mutual respect, clear communication, and intentional effort. She often used her Family Sculpting technique to help couples visualize the dynamics of their relationship. By arranging family members to represent emotional closeness and distance, couples could see the need for adjustments in their behavior.

For instance, Satir once worked with a couple where the wife felt unheard. By “sculpting” the wife seated with her back to the husband, the couple visualized their emotional disconnection. This powerful exercise led to a heartfelt conversation where both partners committed to active listening and mutual validation.

In practice, Satir advocated for specific behaviors to nurture marital love:

  • A wife can replace nagging with encouragement and complaints with collaboration, creating a foundation of trust and partnership.
  • A husband can demonstrate responsibility through actions rather than words, replacing criticism with appreciation and patience.

These small, intentional changes can transform the atmosphere of a marriage, fostering harmony and mutual growth.

In all relationships—whether between parents and children or spouses—Satir emphasized equality, respect, and tolerance. She taught that love devoid of attachment, judgment, or control becomes a source of profound warmth and harmony.

Satir’s work inspires us to approach love as a life-affirming practice, one that enriches our connections and empowers personal growth. Whether through her transformative therapy sessions or the tender verses of her poetry, she reminds us that love is not just an emotion but a lifelong commitment to nurturing ourselves and those around us.

Link:https://peacelilysite.com/2024/11/21/i-want-to-love-you/

A Great Drum

The Wisdom of Generosity: A Tale of Compassion and Righteousness

Once, the Buddha was residing in the Jetavana Monastery in the kingdom of Śrāvastī, spreading his teachings. At that time, there was a prince of a celestial king named Pilu. One day, he flew down from the heavens to the Jetavana Monastery, prostrated himself at the Buddha’s feet, and, with hands folded in reverence, asked the Buddha: “In this world, people are constantly pursuing clothes, food, treasures, pleasures, official positions, and territories. Are there any treasures that pursue people in return?” The Buddha praised Prince Pilu: “You have asked a good question. Indeed, there are situations where territories, treasures, and pleasures pursue people.”

Prince Pilu asked again, “What does it mean for the causes and conditions that fulfill people’s wishes and bring complete satisfaction to always follow them?”

The Buddha replied, “All actions can be categorized into two types: doing good deeds, which brings blessings, and committing evil deeds, which results in calamities. Whether it is blessings or disasters, they always follow each person like a shadow.”

Prince Pilu said, “This is truly extraordinary! Just as the World-Honored One has taught, in my past life, I was once a king among humans. Because I was aware of the impermanence of life and had no attachment to material things, I wanted to practice generosity widely. One day, during a gathering of my ministers, I announced: ‘I want to make a great drum whose booming sound can spread for a hundred miles. Who can accomplish this task for me?’

However, the ministers all replied, ‘We are incapable of doing so!’ At that moment, a minister named Kuang Shang, who had always been loyal to the court and compassionate towards the people, stepped forward and said to the king, ‘I can accomplish this task, but it will require some funding.’

The king said, ‘Great! Whatever amount you need is not a problem.’ Thus, the treasury was opened, and a large sum of money was handed over to Kuang Shang.

Kuang Shang transported a carriage full of treasures to the gate of the royal palace and beat the drum to announce, “Today, our benevolent king, with great compassion, is distributing wealth to the world to relieve all those in poverty and distress, as well as to provide for the needs of practitioners. Anyone in need can come to the palace gate to receive these goods.”

The news quickly spread to neighboring countries. The poor, carrying their babies and bringing along the elderly and young, came in droves, filling all the roads leading to the city. People would often look up to the sky and exclaim, “Thank you, benevolent king! We, the poor people, finally have the chance to escape the days of hunger and cold!”

A year later, the king asked Kuang Shang, “Is the great drum completed?” The minister replied, “Your Majesty, it is done.” The king asked again, “Since it is finished, why haven’t I heard the drum sound?” Kuang Shang responded, “Please, Your Majesty, take a trip into the city tomorrow, and you will hear the sound of virtue resonating far and wide.”

The next day, the king’s procession entered the city, discovering it was crowded and bustling. The king exclaimed, “Why are there so many people in the city?” Kuang Shang answered, “Last year, Your Majesty ordered me to create a great drum, hoping its mighty sound would spread for miles, proclaiming Your Majesty’s benevolence. I thought that a drum made of dead wood and cowhide would not adequately convey the king’s virtue. After much deliberation, I decided to use the treasures Your Majesty entrusted to me to provide for the practitioners and relieve the poor and distressed. Since the announcement, people from neighboring countries have come, hoping for Your Majesty’s benevolence, like hungry children yearning for their compassionate mother.”

Upon hearing this, the king asked the nearby citizens, “Where have you come from?” The people respectfully bowed and replied, “We came from a hundred miles away.” Some said, “I came from two hundred miles away.” Others said, “I came from thousands of miles away.” Then, they all declared, “Wise and benevolent king! Your widespread generosity has brought joy to the people of the neighboring countries. Many have even moved their entire families here, seeking to live under your benevolent protection and hoping for a stable life henceforth.”

The king was very pleased and said, “Kuang Shang, you have done an excellent job! Previously, I was attached to fame, hoping that the great drum’s mighty sound would resonate far and wide. Now, I finally understand that the unrest in the country comes from the people’s unease. Just as a sick body needs medicine to be healed, I should provide remedies to address the people’s suffering. You, my minister, understood the hardships of the people and distributed food to help the poor and needy, allowing the people to live in peace and return their loyalty to me.” Thus, the king declared, “From now on, as long as it concerns the people’s needs, take care of it to the best of your ability without needing to consult me!”

After the king’s natural death, he was reborn in heaven as King Miao. After his life in heaven ended, he was reborn as a Cakravartin (Wheel-Turning) King on earth, always accompanied by seven treasures and surrounded by followers who protected him. Now, he has again been reborn in heaven as a prince of the heavenly king. All of this was because he strictly upheld pure precepts and compassionately aided all living beings, earning such blessings. If we follow the Buddha’s teachings and rectify our body, speech, and mind, we can all obtain such magnificent blessings.

The Buddha encouraged Prince Bilu, saying, “A person’s actions are like a shadow following the body, or an echo responding to a sound. For every cause, there is an effect, and retribution is certain!” Prince Bilu, after hearing the Buddha’s teaching, joyfully made obeisance and departed.

A Great Drum

Link:https://peacelilysite.com/2024/05/23/a-great-drum/

Source: https://www.ctworld.org.tw/sutra_stories/story801-1000/story862.htm,


Unlocking Life’s Wisdom: Lessons from Benjamin Franklin

In the intricate tapestry of life, the tragedy often unfolds in the untimely aging of our bodies and the delayed acquisition of wisdom. The relentless pace of time is keenly felt as we advance in age, and it appears to quicken its stride. Acknowledging the finite and precious nature of life, the imperative emerges to use time judiciously, ensuring it doesn’t slip away in vain. Wisdom, a product of experience, demands the investment of time to mature.

Many traverse their youthful years without a profound understanding of life or the ability to make sound decisions. These capabilities tend to evolve slowly, sculpted by the crucible of life and work experiences. Regrettably, just as individuals amass the wisdom to navigate life effectively, the opportune moments for significant changes might have already slipped through their grasp.

To avert the arrival of wisdom too late, one must treasure time, actively seek learning and growth opportunities, and expedite wisdom acquisition through continuous learning, reflection, and introspection. Making sagacious choices early in life becomes a shield against future regrets.

The aforementioned philosophy mirrors Franklin D. Roosevelt’s contemplation and insight into life, urging individuals to proactively plan and reflect on their lives from a young age. Striving for the wisdom that typically takes years to acquire allows for the optimal utilization of limited time, resulting in a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

Persuasion: Appealing to Interests Over Reason

In the realm of persuasion, appealing to interests often outshines the use of reason alone. The driving force behind human behavior lies in the pursuit of benefits and the avoidance of harm. To sway others convincingly, it is crucial to showcase the tangible or intangible benefits they stand to gain by adopting a suggestion. This pragmatic approach surpasses relying solely on logic and rational arguments.

Rooted in fundamental psychological principles of human decision-making, individuals tend to weigh their interests and benefits when making choices. Clearly illustrating how adopting a suggestion directly or indirectly benefits them—such as saving time, reducing costs, improving health, or increasing happiness—makes the suggestion more likely to be accepted.

While rational thinking plays a pivotal role in decision-making, emotions profoundly influence human choices. Emphasizing how a suggestion meets others’ needs, desires, or alleviates their pain can evoke emotions and enhance the persuasiveness of the argument.

The call to appeal to interests doesn’t negate the importance of logic and reason in persuasion. Rather, it recognizes that addressing individuals’ interests alongside rational thinking fosters emotional resonance, increasing the likelihood of persuasive success.

Combining the demonstration of benefits with sound reasoning can comprehensively influence the audience’s decision-making process. Yet, the essence lies in the reminder that, in persuading others, emphasis should be placed on making them see the direct benefits of following the advice. Such appeals are more attractive and compelling, urging action.

Words of Wisdom: Thoughtful Speech and Lifelong Learning

“Fool’s hearts are in their mouths; wise men’s mouths are in their hearts.” This timeless advice urges against reckless or thoughtless speech, stemming from the eagerness to express ideas without due consideration. A wise person contemplates before speaking, filtering thoughts and emotions before choosing words. This not only avoids misunderstandings and conflicts but also reflects maturity and wisdom.

Thinking more and speaking less is the mantra. Caution with words prevents reckless speech. Investing in knowledge, unlike wealth, provides lasting returns. Allocating resources to personal growth and wisdom yields valuable returns. While wealth can be stolen or lost, knowledge gained through learning becomes an everlasting asset, guiding individuals to make wise decisions and achieve success.

Investing time, money, and energy in education and learning ensures acquired knowledge becomes an intrinsic part of oneself—a secure and irrevocable asset. Returns from self-improvement far exceed material wealth accumulation.

Stages of Life: Wisdom’s Evolution

At twenty, willpower dominates; at thirty, wit takes control; at forty, judgment prevails. Different life stages exhibit distinct psychological and competency characteristics. The twenties are often driven by willpower, with decisions based on impulses and passion. By thirty, adaptability and mechanisms take precedence, with accumulated experience guiding creative problem-solving. Wit becomes crucial for survival and success. By forty, decisions are grounded in mature judgment, informed by rich experiences.

Judgment becomes the key ability for this age group—guiding individuals to make rational and long-term decisions in complex environments. Mental development undergoes changes with age, and active learning and adaptation should be encouraged at every stage. Utilizing each period’s characteristics to achieve personal potential and goals is the key.

Continuous Growth: The Lifelong Pursuit

In the journey of life, successful individuals strive for daily self-improvement. Failures, on the other hand, repeat the same patterns daily. The distinction between success and failure lies in continuous self-improvement versus stagnation.

Some individuals stagnate in the early stages of life, and while physically alive, they lack true meaning and vitality. The essence of life isn’t solely in its length but in its depth and quality. Lifelong learning, continuous self-improvement, and exploration are crucial to maintaining vitality and meaning. Regardless of life stage, the pursuit of growth and change is paramount, avoiding premature spiritual death and infusing life with vibrancy and progress.

Positive Communication: The Power of Praise

“I won’t say anything negative about anyone; I’ll only speak positively about everyone I know.” Focusing on people’s strengths rather than weaknesses builds and maintains good relationships. Choosing to selectively share opinions about others, even if aware of their shortcomings, promotes a positive atmosphere.

This practice avoids hurting others’ self-esteem, reduces conflicts, and fosters a positive environment. Commending others’ strengths and achievements makes them feel respected and recognized, enhancing relationships and intimacy. Praise motivates individuals, opens their hearts, and fosters a positive and constructive attitude in interpersonal relationships.

By concentrating on others’ strengths and offering sincere praise, a harmonious social environment is cultivated, and deeper connections are formed. This approach applies not only to personal relationships but also to interactions in the workplace and public life.

Thoughtful Debate: Constructive Communication

Debating and refuting in interpersonal communication can have potential negative impacts, particularly when this behavior becomes habitual. Even if one proves their point in an argument, victories may lack substantive value, potentially sacrificing relationships. People value being respected and understood more than being persuaded or defeated.

Adopting an open and constructive attitude in communication, listening, respecting others’ viewpoints, and seeking understanding fosters healthy relationships. This approach prioritizes effective communication over the pursuit of victory in every argument.

Practical Wisdom: Testing Thoughts Through Action

Thoughts lead to actions, and actions have consequences. The true test of thoughts lies in observing the effects of the behavior they guide. Judging the value of a thought is most effectively done by observing the practical effects of the behavior it influences. Actions guided by positive thoughts, leading to personal growth and societal improvement, are considered valuable and correct.

The effectiveness of thoughts and beliefs is best evaluated by their application in real life, focusing on outcomes rather than theoretical consistency. A results-oriented approach encourages critical thinking based on actual consequences, promoting self-awareness and a practical mindset.

Navigating Contradictions: Empathy and Self-Reflection

In a world where fools and cowards coexist, Franklin’s observation highlights the contradiction in human behavior. People often find enough courage and wisdom to endure others’ misfortunes and mind others’ business. This contradiction emphasizes the need for self-improvement rather than excessive intervention in others’ lives.

“Love thy neighbor, but do not tear down your fence” underscores the importance of maintaining good social relations while respecting personal boundaries and privacy. Balancing relationships while preserving personal independence and dignity fosters both community welfare and personal growth.

Overcoming Poverty: The Power of Mindset

“Poverty itself is not frightening; what is truly frightening is the mindset that believes one is destined to be poor or bound to die poor.” The real danger lies in negative thought patterns perceiving oneself as inevitably poor. Poverty is a changeable condition, and individuals can improve their situations through effort, education, and innovation.

Rejecting the acceptance of poverty as an unchangeable fate and believing in the ability to alter life circumstances fosters optimism. Maintaining a positive mindset provides the motivation to seek change, find opportunities, and achieve personal growth and success.

Benjamin Franklin’s Timeless Wisdom

Franklin’s thoughts and quotes encompass various facets of life, offering lessons in personal growth, interpersonal relationships, professional ethics, and social responsibility. His profound insights and pragmatic philosophy remain relevant, providing guidance on how to balance personal development with social responsibility, navigate complex relationships, and approach life’s challenges with a positive attitude.

As we absorb Franklin’s wisdom, we gain not only a deeper understanding of human nature and social phenomena but also a blueprint for a more fulfilling and meaningful life. Franklin’s legacy endures as a beacon of practical wisdom, encouraging us to embrace continuous learning, cultivate positive relationships, and face life’s journey with resilience and optimism.

Link:https://peacelilysite.com/2024/03/07/unlocking-lifes-wisdom-lessons-from-benjamin-franklin/

As I began to love Myself

Charlie Chaplin: More Than a Comedian – A Source of Wisdom and Inspiration

During my high school and college years, amidst the pressures of academics and the challenges of growing up, one name stood out as a constant source of laughter and profound insight into life – Charlie Chaplin. Beyond the laughter, Chaplin possessed a deep insight into the human condition. His films often depicted the struggles of the working class, the hardships of life, and the pursuit of happiness. Through his art, he conveyed powerful messages about empathy, resilience, and the importance of finding joy in the little things.

Little did I know then that the man behind the iconic Tramp character was not just an actor but also a writer, filmmaker, and a brilliant mind. One particular creation of his, the poem “As I Began To Love Myself,” has left an indelible mark on my heart, providing me with invaluable wisdom on how to live a better life.

“As I Began To Love Myself”

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.

Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me.

Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.

Today I call it “Maturity”.

Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm.

Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself.

At first, I called this attitude a healthy egoism.

Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time.

Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening.

Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally.

Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing, new worlds are born.

Today I know “THAT IS LIFE”!

Charlie Chaplin, the man who made us laugh and ponder life’s complexities, continues to inspire and guide us through his timeless wisdom. His poem, “As I Began To Love Myself,” encapsulates valuable life lessons about authenticity, respect, maturity, self-confidence, simplicity, love of oneself, modesty, fulfillment, and the wisdom of the heart. As we remember this iconic figure, let us carry his insights with us on our journey towards a better and more meaningful life, just as he did for me during my high school and college years. Charlie Chaplin wasn’t just an entertainer; he was a philosopher whose words and actions continue to resonate with us all.

Charlie Chaplin: More Than a Comedian – A Source of Wisdom and Inspiration

Link:https://peacelilysite.com/2023/09/07/as-i-began-to-love-myself/

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