I heard these words in a homily years ago and have struggled to put them into practice ever since. I’m the type of person to lay awake in bed at night planning my next step in life, ruminating over different career advancing tactics, and fantasizing about the future I want. I tend to reflect more on things I want than the things I already have.
The idea of keeping a gratitude journal for a month was like partaking in an intriguing experiment. I wondered if I’d finally experience the elusive gratitude = happiness equation I hadn’t solved yet.
So on the first of the month, I drafted up a little doc titled, “Gratitude Journal” in the notes app on my iPhone. Four weeks and 2,000 words later, I concluded my journey for gratitude. Here’s what happened.
During
“Oh crap, I gotta do this now so I don’t forget.” This is the thought that would come to me every night at 10 p.m. when my journal reminder went off. But what initially felt like a to-do task eventually became something I looked forward to, simply because I was constantly surprised by the things I was grateful for.
When I thought back on my day, I’d suddenly remember odd moments that brought me joy that I’d typically forget about. For example, during the first week of that month, I helped a designer prepare their collection for a runway show. While this was, of course, a big thing to be grateful for, my journal mostly consisted of smaller things from that week.
I was especially grateful for an authentic encounter I shared with a model. She was just very sincere and kind and I remember my heart being warmed by the genuine human connection we shared. When I was writing down the things I was grateful for, that encounter stood out to me more than anything. It made me realize that it’s more important to value the people I meet than the things I do.
At the end of the day, I’d find myself feeling the most gratitude for the human encounters I had. Whether it was chatting with a stranger on the train, listening to music all day in friend’s apartment, having a heart-to-heart with my sister on FaceTime, playing guitar with my neighbor, or sharing a meal with my aunt, my gratitude journal ended up being very people-centric.
The things I was grateful for during my nightly reflection began leaking into my day-to-day experience. Instead of later identifying moments of joy, I began thinking, “This is making me happy right now,” and I started embracing the feeling of happiness while it was happening. By taking a few moments every night to reflect on the things I was grateful for, I was conditioning myself to be more grateful 24/7.
Re-reading my gratitude journal allows me to be transported back to moments that were specifically positive. In life, it’s easy to just focus on the negative. Even when the good outweighs the bad, we remember the bad over everything. Because a gratitude journal quite literally only focuses us on the good, it made me reflect on the good that I experienced for a whole month, thus prompting a “hey, life ain’t that bad” moment.
Some things I straight up forgot about. Like one day I got distracted and walked too far, missed the block my train was on, and got lost. My wrong turned landed me on a street that held a Catholic church. The doors were wide open and warm light poured out. I took this as a sign to visit Jesus. It was such a cool, surprising moment, and I felt the call to visit Him in the tabernacle so strongly — but I somehow forgot it until re-reading my gratitude journal. Now I get to relive how cool that experience was.
Re-reading my journal also allowed me to connect some dots. Aside from the theme of valuing authentic human interaction, I noticed that the days I felt the most gratitude were days I wrote about the little things. I can’t tell you how many times I wrote down that I was grateful “for heat in winter,” or “for my comfy bed,” “for being friends with my neighbors,” or even more simply, “for feeling happy again.”
And there you have it, the gratitude = happiness equation. As I look through my journal now, the last days all repeat the same thing: gratitude for feeling happy. At the beginning of the month, I felt suffocated and limited by the very things that I was grateful for by the end of the month. I’ll admit that this was a big month for me internally — I was searching for direction and meaning. I believe I received it through lots of prayer and learning to be more grateful for all the things I jotted down at night.
I’ve realized that change doesn’t necessarily come from the big life events that happen to us — usually, it’s the smaller, internal events that build up over time until we’re transformed without realizing it. I think that’s what keeping a gratitude journal is all about: writing down the little things from each day, and then reflecting on how all those little things actually amount to big things.
Come to think of it, happiness doesn’t come from something big happening to you, either. Real happiness comes from making daily decisions to cherish the gifts you’ve been given, no matter how big or small. Having gratitude for the little things will slowly but surely build genuine joy.
Honestly, I wasn’t planning on keeping a gratitude journal after one month, but after reflecting on the impact it had on me after just four weeks, I think I’d better.
Pure Land Buddhism (Chinese: 淨土宗) is a broad branch of Mahayana Buddhism focused on achieving rebirth in a Buddha’s Buddha-field or Pure Land. It is one of the most widely practiced traditions of Buddhism in East Asia.
Pure Land is a tradition which is primarily focused on achieving rebirth in a Buddha’s “pure land” or buddha-field (Sanskrit: buddhakṣetra), which generally speaking is a Buddha’s field of influence. Some Buddha-fields are considered to be superior places to spiritually train for full Buddhahood, since a Buddha has compassionately “purified” it for this purpose and since in these realms, one can meet a Buddha face to face and study under them. The most common pure land today is that of Amitābha, called Sukhavati, “Land of Bliss”.
For many Buddhists, simply chanting the name of Amitabha Buddha, the Buddha of Infinite Light, is a complete mindfulness and devotional practice. Taking refuge in this way brings a feeling of immediate peace. Shakyamuni Buddha taught this method in the Amitabha Sutra. This simple, yet divinely rich practice combines devotion with mindfulness, of the sacred name of the Buddha.
The Buddha taught us many ways to practice in decades of teaching the Buddha Dharma, mapped out in 80,000 discourses and Sutras. Some of these are “learning practices” such as “Sutra recitation.” Others are vastly intricate and beautiful, such as Vajrayana visualization Sadhanas. Yet, for most of us, the sublimely simple practices are the best way to approach the Dharma, from mindfulness practice, to the most misunderstood of practices, chanting Amituofo. Ten Benefits of Chanting Namo Amituofo Practice Shakyamuni Buddha taught the 10 great benefits of chanting the name of Amitabha Buddha, as a complete practice, in the Amitabha Sutra. This is a devotional mindfulness practice. Single-Pointed focus and mindfulness is the ultimate goal, and can be achieved a number of ways.
Three Holy Beings in Western Pure Land
Zen Koans are blissfully challenging. Watching the breath is a relaxing mindfulness practice. Chanting the Name or Name Praise of Amitabha is another quintessentially simple — yet penetratingly deep — practice. It makes the focus of our mindfulness, the Perfect Buddha. These ten great benefits of chanting Amitabha, as taught in sutra, include protection, support of all the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, purification of negative karmas, restful sleep, a peaceful mind, and rebirth in Amitabha’s Pure Land. When you participate in this elegant and powerful practice, you feel immediate peace and comfort.
The entire practice is to mindfully chant the name — sometimes just the name, sometimes as a praise — of the Buddha of Infinite Light, Amitabha. Often this is embellished with the wondrous sound of the hypnotic fish drum, or the regular gong of a bell. Sometimes it is chanted musically; sometimes spoken; sometimes whispered. The immediate reward: a feeling of peace and protection. Many Buddhists — in Non-Pureland traditions — tend to think the practice is too simple, too reliant on faith and praise. If we think this way, we are missing the point. Single-Pointed Focus on Amitabha Like other traditions with single-focus meditation methods, Pureland Buddhist’s chant the name of Amitabha over and over. Mindfulness of the name of Amitabha is a powerful and profound practice. Instead of remaining mindful of something mundane, such as breath, or your walk in the park, Amituofo chanting keeps our mind focused in the present moment on the Enlightened Perfection of Amitabha Buddha. The entire practice is to simply chant, or say, with mindfulness: Amitabha, Amitabha, Amitabha… nothing else. Or using the Chinese version of the name Amituofo, Amituofo, Amituofo. Fo translates as Buddha. Keep the mind focused, in the present moment, on just the sound of your own voice: Amituofo, Amituofo, Amituofo.
In the beginning of 1999, a short trip of pilgrimage to the Buddhist holy sites in ancient India gave me the second feeling of returning home. In particular, when we were all prostrating around the Buddha’s Nirvana Temple in Kushinagar and respectfully lighting up 108 lights during the morning practice, suddenly dharma joy grabbed my entire body. I felt pleasantly serene and happy as if I was at the side of Sakyamuni Buddha. The feeling of coming back to home was so good! However, this was only a feeling from my emotions. I did not reach enlightenment in Buddha-dharma. There was no realization power to talk about. I kept asking myself whether this was due to my heavy karmic blockage. Otherwise why didn’t I receive practical benefits from the practice of meditation and some other dharmas? The more I thought about this, the more I felt that I was a very inferior person. The more inferior I felt, the more I was determined to learn and master Buddha-dharma.
One day, I received a copy of the book True Stories about a Holy Monk from a fellow Buddhist friend. I opened the book and started to read. Upon reading into the section about Buddha bestowing nectars, I suddenly entered into a somewhat dazed state of mind. The holy scene of Buddha bestowing nectars emerged in my mind. Such impression appeared real but was illusionary, gave the feeling of between existence and non-existence, was felt like my own experience and lasted a long time before disappearing. There was an indescribable joy in my mind. From that, I was sure that this is the true Buddha-dharma and is truly what I should quest for, rely upon and practice. After reading the book, I often felt in my mind an urge of wishing to meet and pay respect to the great holy one in person as early as possible. On the other hand, I also felt sad for the expected departure from the monk students at the Buddhist Academy whom I supported for quite a few years.
One day, on my way to work in the morning, this question came to my mind again. I suddenly felt a lump in my throat and tears gushed out from my eyes. I uncontrollably burst into a big cry. I managed to hold off my feelings to drive into the underground parking lot of my company. Once the car stopped, I could not control my emotions any longer and I cried for 20 minutes in the car. My eyes became swollen. I repeatedly beseeched Kuan Shi Yin Bodhisattva to empower me and point out my way. After a while, I thought that for a person with such heavy karmic blockage, how could it be possible for me to receive empowerment and guidance from Kuan Shi Yin Bodhisattva?
I put on a pair of sunglasses and went into my office. I sat on my chair with my mind being blank. Within five minutes, my secretary came in and asked me if I wanted to answer a phone call from a fellow Buddhist sister. I said yes. Once I picked up the phone, from whatever she told me over the phone, the only thing I could remember was “Brother, would you like to go on a trip to pay respect to the great holy master?” At that time, I happily answered, “Yes, Yes, I do!” I immediately prostrated on the ground with my palms together to thank Kuan Shi Yin Bodhisattva for pointing out the path for me.
I flew across the Pacific Ocean to the United States to pay respect to my greatest and kindest Buddha Master, H. H. Dorje Chang Buddha III, in the end of 1999. When I respectfully presented my offering gift as homage to the dharma with a pure white hada in prostration, my heart was beating heavily and my eyes dared not face upward. However, with only one brief peek, I felt enlightened right away. My instinct told me that this great holy being in front of my eyes is a Buddha! At the instant when the Buddha’s eyes were staring very benevolently at me, I felt that an extremely strong force of empowerment was transmitted from the top of my head into my entire body. My whole body felt very warm. This time I really came back home! I felt extremely confident and tears flooded out of my eyes. I did not have enough words to describe the dharma joy I had at the time.
After I had calmed down my feeling, my Buddha Master spoke to me, “Weren’t you looking at the sky since your childhood to search for answers? I will tell you now.” My Buddha Master told me the important affinities in my current life as well as the affinities between my Buddha Master and me from the past lifetimes. My Buddha Master also told me to buy an alms bowl and bring it back immediately. I and Henghsing Gyatso Rinpoche immediately bid farewell to my Buddha Master and left. We asked a fellow sister to drive us to a shopping mall to buy an alms bowl. Because of our unpreparedness, we could not find the alms bowl we needed. In the end, I had to buy a porcelain soup bowl with cover and came back. My Buddha Master looked at it and then asked Henghsing Gyatso Rinpoche who took me to buy the bowl whether he had provided any suggestion or advice to me. Henghsing Gyatso Rinpoche answered, “No, I did not. He chose the bowl and bought it on his own decision. I did not do anything for him.” At that time, I presented the bowl to my Buddha Master. My Buddha Master told me, “Do not hand it to me. I will not touch your bowl. You go and fill it with water by yourself.”
I immediately washed clean the porcelain bowl I bought with pure water and wiped it dry with the hada. Then I, by myself, filled it with pure water and respectfully laid it on a square dharma table that was before us. My wife and I prostrated in front of the dharma table. We respectfully held our palms together and kept chanting “Om, Ah, Hum!” My Buddha Master was at a distance of more than three meters from us and conducting the dharma at the top of a tall dharma rostrum. Not long after, at my Buddha Master’s dharma decree, bodhi holy water penetrated the side of the bowl and flowed out. I saw with my eyes that dharma water permeated through the surface of the porcelain bowl filled with pure water and flowed onto the table. At this time, at every dharma decree from my Buddha Master, the dharma water flowed to the left, right, or forward, exactly as instructed. My wife and I gazed at the scene and were simply speechless. My Buddha Master told us, “I will use this bodhi holy water to set up the mandala to guard against demons from stealing the dharma. I am going to perform an initiation for you two.” After that, my Buddha Master sprinkled dharma water around the perimeter of the mandala (Buddhist altar for transmitting Buddha-dharma or worshipping Buddhas and Bodhisattvas) to prevent evil beings and demons from listening to the Tathagata Dharma. Then the ceremony of initiation started. At the moment of dharma water sprinkling down to my head, I felt an extremely pleasantly cool feeling of empowerment that was pouring from the top of my head to my heart. The dharma joy I experienced at the time cannot be described in written languages.
During the six years before meeting my kind Buddha Master, because of my foolishness, deep and heavy attachment to the self and various types of ignorance, I created much dark karma. Consequently, my health was deteriorating steadily as time went by and eventually had to be sustained by medicine and the injection of placenta extract. My complexion was black and dark. Upon seeing me for the first time, my Buddha Master told me, “Your health is not good. I will teach you a dharma now. You should make a good effort in practicing it. You will get well.” In the years since then, I cultivated by adhering to the teaching and practiced according to the dharma. Miraculously, my health has recovered completely. From the year end of 2002 until now, I have not had much illness to speak of. Except going to the dentist office once a year to clean my teeth, I did not visit any hospital or clinic. For a 1,000-mile long-distance driving of 16 hours from Los Angeles to Portland, Oregon, I drove by myself without a stop and did not even feel tired. All these come from the empowerment of the great Buddha-dharma from my Buddha Master!
Before respectfully meeting my Buddha Master, I heard that my Buddha Master had been living in a room on the second floor of a fellow brother’s home, where the space is small. My wife and I immediately had the idea of offering a house to my great and kind Master, for propagating Buddha-dharma in America. Upon being led into the mandala where we became my Buddha Master’s disciples, the wish of offering the house emerged immediately. We respectfully reported to my Buddha Master and beseeched my Buddha Master’s benevolence to accept it. However, while my wife and I respectfully stated what we intended to present, my Buddha Master replied, “I accept your sincere wish but I do not accept the house. However, I will temporarily stay in your home for two years.” My Buddha Master’s discourse made me very surprised. For years, I had been cultivating and practicing in exoteric sects of Buddhism. I supported and made offerings to many monks, dharma masters and major temples. I never received a response like that. The conduct of the Buddha is so pure, selfless, faultless and great as to beyond my imagination. Later on, I also made offerings of great sums of money. My Buddha Master also declined them all. Where in the world can you find such person? There is no such eminent monk even among eminent monks. Only Buddhas and Bodhisattvas in Buddha-land possess such holiness and pureness.
If the holidays don’t feel like the often quoted ‘most wonderful time of the year,’ you aren’t alone in that feeling. At an early age, we learn that the holidays are times for festivity, a time for the entire family to come together in perfect joy. Social media shows idyllic images of beautiful families together, flawlessly cultivated dinner tables, and impeccably wrapped gifts that make us believe this is what the holidays should look like.
When the expectation of a joyful and peaceful holiday season doesn’t match the reality of our experiences, we feel disappointed and sorrowful.
For many, the holidays are a dreaded, painful time of year. The days are shorter, the nights are colder, and when you add financial burden, travel, or visits with sometimes difficult family members to the mix, the stress piles up quickly. The holidays constitute a special difficulty for those who have lost friends or family members, and for those having experienced significant change or trauma in their lives.
The following describes some common holiday stressors and guidance for coping:
Stressor: Pressure for the “perfect” holiday gathering
The holidays are certainly a busy time of year! We shop, cook, bake, attend parties, wrap gifts, prepare meals, decorate, make plans, travel, connect with friends, and all while we try to find some time for ourselves. It’s exhausting! Attempting to do it all is not only impractical, but it also takes a toll on our mental and emotional health.
How to Cope:
Focus on what really matters
Reflect on what is most important to you, then align your activities and actions with this value. For example, you may value making meaningful connections. If you spend most of the evening preparing the perfect meal while missing out on time spent with family and friends, then perfect meal prep does not align with your values. Remember: the holidays don’t have to be perfect or look a certain way to be memorable and special.
Set realistic expectations
As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. For example, adult children or other relatives may not be able to gather when you want them to, or there isn’t a budget for top-end gifts on your kid’s wish-list. Make sure your expectations are realistic. For example, if you expect too much from yourself or someone else, brainstorm what you can give up aligning the reality of the situation to what you expect the holidays to look like.
Be gentle with yourself
You are human, and there’s only so much you can do each day or a given holiday. Respond to your human limits by setting boundaries and finding ways to Have the Courage to Say No. Learn How to Be Gentle with Yourself and How to Practice Self-Compassion. Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions may arise during this stressful and sometimes difficult time of year.
Stressor: Anxiety about family gatherings
For some, family gatherings result in an enjoyable time. For many, family gatherings provoke only stress and anxiety. You may feel self-conscious or feel pressured to keep up the conversation. You may dread the inevitable fights or need help Surviving the Holidays with a Narcissistic Family Member.
How to Cope:
Set boundaries
Although you may feel pressured to attend a holiday party or gathering, check-in first with your wants and needs to identify your readiness. If you decide to attend, remind yourself that you don’t have to stay the entire time. Read How to Deal with Your (difficult) Family this Holiday Season for more boundary-setting tips.
Be prepared
Anticipate challenging circumstances, people, or situations and develop a plan to manage the difficult emotions that may arise. You may find it tempting to “numb out” with alcohol but opt instead to challenge yourself to stay present, even in the presence of negative emotions. Plan ahead by getting a good night’s rest, staying sober, and identifying your coping strategies (like taking a walk, deep breathing, or affirmations). Have an exit strategy. It will help make your experience more enjoyable.
Assume good intent
Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they have different views and opinions. Set aside grievances for a more appropriate time for discussion. Show understanding if others get upset or distressed when something goes awry; they likely feel the effects of holiday stress too. Be proactive in preventing and resolving conflicts and pay attention to your internal cues that suggest you risk losing your cool. Stay calm and take a breath before you speak. Prepare a rehearsed statement that you can use such as “let’s put a hold on this for another time.”
Stressor: Grieving a loss
The holiday season may look different this year because of the changes that took place over the past few years. This may mean foregoing parties, visits with family and friends, and participating in community activities and celebrations. We face the difficult task of readjusting our expectations for the holidays, which means Grieving the Loss of the Holidays as we know it. If you have lost a loved one or will be missing someone’s presence during the festivities, you are likely to feel this grief more intensely.
How to Cope:
Make plans and get the support you need
Give yourself the permission to develop new holiday rituals and traditions. Ask what traditions comfort you and allow yourself to participate in whatever feels right to you, or not. Share your plans with family and friends ahead of time and inform them what is helpful, and what is not helpful. Avoid the circumstances that you don’t feel ready to handle, but don’t isolate yourself. Make time for quiet reflection and grieving but balance it with activities with loved ones who accept and love you amidst your sorrow. And remember it is okay to accept offers from others to cook, shop, or decorate!
Allow yourself to grieve
There is no one “right” way to grieve, and no correct timeline. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, whether that’s joy or sadness, anger, or relief. Experiencing joy and laughter during the holidays honors the person who died and does not mean that you have forgotten them. Be gentle with yourself and others while recognizing that each family member may stand at a different stage of healing than you.
Honor your loved one
It may comfort you to incorporate a new tradition or ritual that honors the person who died. For example: create a memory box filled with photos or love notes from family members and friends, light a candle, say a prayer, or share a memory, write a poem, play your loved one’s favorite music or game, invite a moment of silence or toast at mealtime, make a donation or volunteer for a cause that your loved one found meaningful. Read Coping with Loss During the Holidays for more suggestions and inspiration for healing.
Stressor: The physical toll of stress
Stress affects all systems of the body including physical, mental, and emotional. When we encounter increased stress around the holidays, we notice its effects even more. For example, stress can make you more susceptible to illness, cause headaches, disrupt sleep, or contribute to feeling depressed or anxious.
How to Cope:
Increase self-care
Protect your health by prioritizing activities that reduce stress and help you recharge. It is not selfish to spend time on yourself with mindfulness meditation, yoga, spending time with friends or family, taking a bath or watching a movie. If you feel especially overwhelmed, focus on the basics: proper nutrition, healthy movement, and good sleep hygiene. Read Mindfulness for Holiday Stress to inspire other ways of finding calm moments amidst the hustle and bustle.
Spend time outdoors
As the days get shorter and daylight fades much earlier, you may start to feel “down.” What many people refer to as the “winter blues” could be a lack of Vitamin D, the important nutrient that helps boost our immune system and plays an important role in mental health. Increase your levels of Vitamin D with 8 to 15 minutes of sun exposure per day. So, take a little break and soak up the rays!
On weekday mornings, I hurriedly drive my son to school. Trying to beat the traffic and catch as many green lights as possible, the drive is usually a blur. One particular morning’s drive changed my perspective. While rushing down a wide arterial road, my son exclaimed to me that the trees on the sidewalk looked very beautiful.
Glancing over to the trees, I suddenly noticed the vibrant reds and yellows of the leaves clinging onto branches or drifting onto the sidewalk as the wind blew. Despite driving down this street every morning, in my hurry I had not noticed the changing colors of the trees until now, nearly the end of fall. The bright hues of the fall foliage was absolutely beautiful. This nature beauty made me slowing down my daily past pace. I feel the healing power of nature relaxing my tense nerves, and filled my heart with joy, peace, and harmony.
As I admired the scenery on the commute, I felt how wonderful it was to be present in the moment. I realized that oftentimes we lose sight of the little elements of natural beauty that are all around us. Life can be hectic, but we must make a conscious effort to enjoy the omnipresent beauty of our world.
A poem by a ancient Zen Master came to my mind:
Blossoms in Spring, Breezes in Summer, Glorious moons in Fall, and Snow in Winter. When one is not held back by nothing, Every moment can be wonderful.
Eggs are an essential part of a good breakfast. There are countless ways to prepare them, but not all recipes are made equal. I used to cook omelettes for the family, but recently I learned that hard boiled eggs are actually a better choice. Hard boiled egg can keep more nutrients from the egg and avoid extra oil.
The only problem is, peeling a hard boiled egg is a rather arduous task. The shell and egg white absolutely refuse to be parted. Usually, the peeled egg ends up looking kind of like the moon, full of craters and lumps and whatnot. This morning, I got very frustrated trying to peel my hard boiled egg. It felt like the shell and egg white were superglued together. Even my mother’s old trick of placing the boiled eggs into cold water didn’t seem to work. After my first peeled egg ended up looking like a misshapen golf ball, I was ready to throw them all onto the floor.
Fortunately, I am a Buddhist disciple, and I remembered one of the most important things I’d learned: patience. I told myself, as a student of the Buddha who cultivates myself everyday, why am I still so easily distressed by outside events?
So I decided to let myself calm down for a while. I left the eggs in the cold water and went off to relax. After maybe fifteen minutes, I returned to give making breakfast another shot. Surprisingly, the shell peeled off easily this time. I realized that by being patient and giving the eggs more time to cool down, it was now much easier to complete my task. So when annoying things happen, we must first be patient. Let it all cool down, and things will be much easier to deal with.
Patient means embracing yourself and all things around you with gentleness and kindness, and doing so will get happy and more productive results.
Recently I have read a book titled Revealing the Truth, in which there is one chapter called A Vicious Demon and Formidable Beast. It is an unexpectedly frightening chapter, almost like a horror movie. As a buddhist disciple, I totally believe in the law of cause and effects. We need to abstain from anything that is evil, do everything that is good, and use the correct understanding and views to cultivate. Don’t violate any of the precepts, otherwise you will end in miserable retribution. After reading the book, I completely believe that the true and original Dharma transmitted by Sakyamuni Buddha and Dorje Chang Buddha III can defeat any demon or evil spirit.
There was a rinpoche brother who claimed that he was a reincarnation of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas and cheated living beings everywhere he went. He deluded many people to put up everything they had as offerings for him, causing problems in many families. Since he had seriously violated the precepts, the Buddha Master sternly reprimanded him a number of times. However, he ignored all that and even dared to lie to the Buddha Master (H.H.Dorje Chang Buddha III).
Because his conduct of swindling and bluffing was so bad that it caused many living beings to suffer, eventually dharma protectors had to inform him that he was going to meet with a miserable and menacing retribution. He was then captured by order of the Yama King and died miserably. He became a blood-flashing vicious ghost. In order to lessen his sins and dark karmas, and also for the purpose of educating and transforming two persons who were masters and had the same behaviors, a group of people who were involved in the endeavor of propagating Buddha-dharma and saving living beings including dharma kings, rinpoches, dharma masters, and others were asked to confront this blood-flashing vicious ghost, evil demon Nuori, to gain practical experience. Therefore, the Buddha Master ordered dharma protectors to arraign this evil demon to the home base to be educated and transformed. After that, what had been a very auspicious backyard became a gloomy dark forest. Its horror was beyond description.
In the afternoon of that day, the Buddha Master was setting up an altar In the backyard. Out of curiosity, I stayed right by the Buddha Masters side. When the Buddha Master took out a photo of this vicious ghost taken after his death, I was very scared, “That is so horrible” The eyes in the photo had been closed originally but were now insidiously and ruthlessly opened into a slit. The eyes were also moving and he gave me a treacherous cunning smile, as if he were about to eat me. I hurriedly diverted my eyes away and dared not look at the photo anymore. My whole body was trembling with goose bumps swelling up all over. If you just took a look, the formidable image would immediately be imprinted into your memory and could no longer be removed.
The Buddha Master was going to tell dharma protectors to send Nuori’s spirit to the home base. I hid myself behind the Buddha Master, because that was the only safe place. The Buddha Master suddenly spoke, “Attention! He is coming!” Right after that, a round of gloomy, miserable, and terrifying ghost howling was heard from a distance of about two or three miles and then arrived with unimaginably fast speed right in front of me at the next instant. Meanwhile, a strong gloomy wind blew over, causing tree leaves to drop down all over the place. Now this vicious ghost was captured and brought back. The eyes in the photo were blinking, and I felt as if some accomplice of his had arrived as well! At this time, the temperature had a big sudden drop of more than ten degrees. This garden that had previously been filled with warmth, comfort, elegance, auspiciousness, and peace changed completely. The shadow of the ghost emitting blue light with the after-death desolation, terror, and gloom appeared in the backyard garden every night.
Only the Buddha Master could walk there freely. No one else dared to get close. From then on, we formed groups when walking in there and dared not move around alone. When the evening was about to come, we would withdraw from the backyard spontaneously. Even during daytime, no one dared stay there alone. There was a strong gloomy and pressing air that made people feel suffocated. That atmosphere tended to make people want to run away immediately without staying for even one moment. Even the dog Jie Ben who had used to love playing in the backyard garden day and night now dared not go there during the day. Additionally every time the Buddha Master called it to get in there, right after the Buddha Master finished talking, he would run back to the front living room immediately. Then he would hide his tail while his limbs trembled at a very high frequency. The photo of that vicious ghost was put on the altar set up within the gloomy dark woods. It was very startling that the horrible eyes seemed to be staring at your beating heart, as if he was ready to assault you with his claws reaching out to scoop out your heart.
The Buddha Master intended to use this reality to educate and transform venerable ones, dharma kings, rinpoches, and dharma masters into abstaining from everything that is evil, doing everything that is good, and using correct understanding and views to cultivate, learn Buddhism, and to treat cultivators. Of course, it was also for educating and transforming me. Therefore, some people were arranged to go to this altar in the evening to meet with the ghost and obtain an experience in person. The blood-flashing vicious ghost made a vow at the time of his death. He was going to find those disciples who violated the precepts like him and did not listen to the Buddha Master’s teaching to let these people know the eventual outcome of violating the precepts. This would be his way of creating merit to offset his sins.
When the Buddha Master led a disciple walking to the front of the altar, a golden leopard with a body length of more than two meters suddenly appeared from where the photo was on the altar. It opened its mouth to show its sharp teeth and put up a pose to launch a leaping assault. The Buddha Master gave an order, “Bad beast! Don’t go wild!” Immediately, a black leopard appeared by the Buddha Master’s side. It was even fiercer. The two leopards then confronted each other. Step by step, the black leopard eventually forced the golden leopard to go away. This scene was already scary enough. What happened next was even tenser because, after the Buddha Master led the disciple to the altar, the Buddha Master would leave the site. The disciple would be left there alone to practice the dharma. The Buddha Master would not be with the disciple.
When dharma assembles were held in the past, people would all try to get ahead to secure an opportunity to attend. This time, however, no one volunteered to go. People all wanted to shy away from this event and were afraid of hearing their names called to confront the ghost.
Even the phrase “rounds of merciless gloomy winds” was not sufficient to describe the atmosphere at the site. The originally calm woods now suddenly had gusty winds everywhere, blowing tree leaves with the sounds of “Shua Shua!” The photo of the the blood-flashing vicious ghost that had been laid flat there jumped up all of a sudden and stood upright. Even the sound of opening a coffin could be heard. Amid the crying and howling of ghosts under a sky without the moon and stars, a shrill yelling was heard. The next moment, the blood-flashing vicious ghost was walking out of the photo. People who had participated in this event all said that it was really very dreadful. Some were so terrified as to pee their pants wet. Some were too scared to walk and were shivering all over.
When Brother Gongla Rinpoche saw the ghost walking out of the photo and leaping toward him, he used the Vajra rice empowered by the Buddha Master to shoot at the ghost with a form called “Scattering Blooms by a Heavenly Lady” that he learned while he was still in high school. That did beat the blood-flashing vicious ghost to the ground. The brother then went forward to check if the ghost was dead. While he bowed down to look at the ghost’s face, this vicious ghost unexpectedly spit out a mouthful of poisonous corpse water that was extremely foul smelling. The brother’s facial features immediately became deformed and dislocated. Seeing his deformed and dislocated facial features, other people were also very scared.
When her turn came, Sister Huei-Chin Yang wanted to console the demonic ghost. She prepared a big piece of fried crispy pork chop to offer to him. She thought that the outcome might be a little better. As soon as the pork chop was put down, the ghost quickly rushed out of the photo and swallowed the pork chop with bone in one gulp. Sister Huel-Chin Yang was scared and trembling all over. Moreover, she was not forgiven either. The ghost blew a mouthful of poisonous corpse vapor toward her, distributing the fetid smell all over her body. She immediately started to wash herself with water from the swimming pool. However, the stinking smell could not be washed away.
There was also Brother Venerable Xirao Jiebu. He carried the Vajra rice empowered by the Buddha Master and entered the site by himself. The photo of the the blood-flashing vicious ghost suddenly jumped up to stand on the ghost’s platform and began to walk forward. Brother Xirao Jiebu threw the Vajra rice toward him and loudly chanted the Buddha Master’s mantra. The Buddha Master knew that the situation was dangerous and rescued Brother Xirao Jiebu right away. Then the Buddha Master drew a circle on the lawn and told Brother Xirao Jiebu not to get out of the circle. At this time, the vicious ghost transformed into a golden leopard at a distance of a little over three meters from Brother Xirao Jiebu and was getting ready to eat him. At this extremely crucial moment, Brother Xirao Jiebu sat up inside the circle and threw the Vajra rice toward the outside. As the situation was becoming extremely dangerous, the Buddha Master appeared again. Then the golden leopard got scared and fled in panic.
Dharma king brother Muya Jiongzha also gave this testimony, “The blood-flashing vicious ghost was really scary. I clearly heard his miserable howling coming from a place very, very far away. Then he came before me very quickly in just one or two seconds. Gusty winds were blowing with sands flying and rocks rolling. The picture stood up and walked. Even the image on the picture suddenly became bigger with a cunning and creepy smile. The eyes opened and blood was flowing down from the corner of his mouth. He suddenly leaped towards me. If I had not had the Vajra rice to resist him, I could definitely have been eaten alive. I can say that no one could have kept himself or herself from being extremely horrified in such a situation.” In addition to the others mentioned, Great Dharma Master XiangeQiongwa had a confrontation with the ghost as well. He and Venerable Xirao Jiebu and Dharma King Muya longha were all highly capable masters of the Nyingma Sect. However, they were all defeated.
Fellow brothers and sisters who had confronted the blood-flashing vicious ghost also included harma King Palden Lodoe, Master Long Hui, Baima Dorie Chuomu Rinpoche, Hangila Rinpoche, Luoben Rinpoche, Cacon Di Rinpoche, Layperson Weicheng, and others. They all said that the horror of the ghost could not be described in words. His demonic power was too strong and too vigorous. If not protected by the Buddha Master, I thought none of them would have been able to get out of the gloomy dark forest alive!
At one night during this period, the Buddha Master suddenly told us to bring flashlights and led us to the backyard. Using the flashlights, we unexpectedly discovered many wild beasts there. Because they were somewhat far away, the animals seemed to be mountain lions, leopards, sable wolves, and nine-tailed foxes. When they saw us coming, they all jumped out of the swimming pool to the ground. In such a situation, we had to be led by the Buddha Master. Otherwise, with a probability of eight or nine out of ten, we would have been eaten by the wild beasts. At this time, we used flashlights to illuminate the surrounding trees. Doing so made us terrified. Actually the beasts did not leave. Rather, they were not far from us and were on the trees, on the wall, on the ground, and on the roof. In different types of body profile and as fierce as tigers and wolves, they were peeking at us. We decided to set up video cameras there during the day so these animals could be videotaped at night. When we played the video recordings, what actually appeared in the videos were snow leopards and panthers. There were many of them. They were happily inhabiting and playing on the deck. However, It was strange that they were completely out of sight during the day. Where did they come from and where did they go? None of us knew.
After the arrival of the leopards, we closed the door to the backyard garden rather early before dusk every day. However, at night, we could still hear them jumping from the roof to the deck. One day, a leopard even showed up in the front yard before dark. Several brothers saw it on the roof above a room. It was a little after five o’clock in the afternoon, before the sky had turned dark, that made us very scared. Every time we went to the front yard to get something, we had to look around in all directions and were still terror stricken.
This situation, keeping us in fear, lasted a few months. Eventually, the time came when the vicious ghost was to be sent away. Before entering sleep that night in a half-dream and half-awake state, I saw large iron-fence cage drop down from above to cover him completely. At the same moment, I also heard the sound of his forceful struggling and yelling, “Buddha Master! I, the disciple, will correct myself. I will be a good ghost who does not harm people! I will definitely cultivate myself!” To this day, I am still unable to forget his voice. The next day, the Buddha Master led us to hold a ceremony for the demonic ghost, to see him off. I sensed that he was restrained with handcuffs and fetters. He was escorted onto a prison van and left. Alas! Abstain from everything that is evil and do everything that is good. Brother in the past and vicious ghost at present, I wish that you rest in peace and cultivate well after paying for your retributions.
After sending away the blood-flashing vicious ghost, mountain lions and leopards also vanished. However, they left lots of urine and feces in the backyard for us to clean up. Also, one or two of them had died there because we found their skeletons in the corners one or two years later. The home base finally returned to its prior auspiciousness. However, not long after that, we found five newborn infant leopards inside a tent in the backyard garden. Good Heavens! A female leopard gave birth to five infant leopards here. Now we would be in misery! None of us had the experience of taking care of leopards. Fortunately, this was a false alarm. They were five newborn black kittens. Since the mother cat was too weak, the kittens suffered malnutrition. In the end, only three survived. One fee it was sent to another place. The other two were named Xiao Ding Mad”and Black Rose perspectively. They were kept at the home base and became members of our family.
The dharma kings, rinpoches, and dharma masters who underwent the confrontation also wrote about their personal experiences at the site in order to bear witness to the truth of these events. Those who participated include Dharma King Palden Lodoe, Ga Chong Di Rinpoche, Great Dharma Master Xiangge Qiongwa, Venerable Xirao Jiebu, Great Master Long Hui, Baima Dorje Cuomu Rinpoche, Layper. son Yang Huei-Chin, Dharma King Muya Jongzha, Jiangjia Rinpoche, Loben Rinpoche, Layperson Weicheng, and Gongla Rinpoche. Their hand-written manuscripts are still kept. I personally read the handwritten manuscripts they wrote. What I wrote in this chapter was just a brief account. Their writings were very complete. To prove their truthfulness, they all took oaths against very severe consequences.
Actually, their oaths were not even necessary. I myself experienced this event too. The experience of this event gave many people a good education. However, based on what I knew, two of them still did not learn from this lesson and could not correct much of their bad habits. The Buddha Master already made the greatest effort to educate and transform them and was also very concerned about the difficulties they faced for liberation and accomplishment. Actually, this fact was quite normal. Among the disciples taught and transformed by Sakyamuni Buddha at that time, some cultivated correctly but others degenerated.
This dharma assembly made me deeply understand a fact. Throughout thousands of years, only my Buddha Master, H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III, and Sakyamuni Buddha could be regarded as utmost supreme. Which of the dharma kings and venerable ones of esoteric Buddhism or foremost masters of exoteric Buddhism in history had such capabilities? There were no extremely great holy ones who had such truly great Buddha-dharma among them!
In my childhood, I was often haunted by visions of shadowy creatures at night. My parents would tell me that these were simply a figment of my imagination, but the creatures felt so real that I was always scared of sleeping at night. I was also often sick, and had to be hospitalized several times. Although my physical illnesses became less severe as I grew into an adult, I continued to have disturbing dreams.
Some of the worst years of my life were in my early 30’s, when nearly every single night I would dream of a monster suffocating me, and I would wake up gasping for my breath. My fear led me to keeping the lights on at night, but these terrifying visions continued unabated. I knew that I had to seek help, and one day I ventured into a Buddhist temple to ask for advice.
At the temple, I was introduced to a sutra called The Original Vows of Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva Sutra. This Sutra is a Mahayana Buddhist teaching on the Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva, who vowed not to attain final enlightenment until after the hell realm is emptied. Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva is well-known in China. A big and sacred Buddhist site – Mount Jiuhua is dedicated to Ksitigarbha (Chinese Pinyin: Dizang), a bodhisattva and protector of beings in hell realms according to Mahayana Buddhist tradition. Many temples have Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva hall, people could worship and praise him.
The sutra illuminated how Ksitigarbha became a bodhisattva with his great vows for the well-being of all sentient beings. When I chant the sutra, I was really touched by those great vows of the bodhisattva.
In the charter six of the sutra, there is one paragraph says: “Moreover, Universally Expansive (name of a bodhisattva), when dreaming or dozing, living beings in the future may see ghosts, spirits and other forms that are either sad, weeping, or worried, fearful, or terrified. These are all past fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, and relatives from one, ten, a hundred, or a thousand lives, who have not yet been able to leave the Evil Paths. They have no place from which to hope for the power of blessings to rescue them, and so they plead with their flesh-and-bone descendants to establish expedient devices for them so that they might leave the Evil Paths. Universally Expansive, using your spiritual power, you should cause all these descendants to recite this sutra with sincerity before the images of Buddhas or Bodhisattvas, or to request others to recite it, either three or seven times. When the sutra has been sounded the proper number of times, relatives in the Evil Paths will obtain liberation and never again be seen by those who dream or doze.”
After I chanted the sutra, things got much better. The suffocating nightmare experiences I had been dealing with began to diminish in frequency. Once in a while I would still dream of some bloody or skull-exposed face. But afterward I would chant the sutra and dedicate the merits to these scary visions, and then I would not dream of them again.
At the end of the sutra, Sakyamuni Buddha said: “If there are good men and women in the future who see Earth Store’s image, or who hear this sutra or read or recite it; who use incense, flowers, food and drink, clothing, or gems as offerings; or if they praise, behold, and worship him, they shall attain twenty-eight kinds of advantages:
1. They will be remembered and protected by gods and dragons. 2. Their good roots will increase daily. 3. They will accululate superior causes of wisdom. 4. They will not retreat from Bodhi. 5. Their food and drink will be abundant. 6. Epidemics will not touch them. 7. They will not encounter disasters of fire and water. 8. They will not be troubled by thieves. 9. They will be respected by all who see them. 10. They will be aided by ghosts and spirits. 11. Women will be reborn as men. 12. If born as women they will be daughters of kings and ministers. 13. They will have upright and proper appearances. 14. They will often be born in the heavens. 15. They may be emperors or kings. 16. They will know their past lives. 17. They will attain whatever they seek. 18. Their families will be happy. 19. All disasters will be eradicated. 20. They will eternally be apart from the paths of karma. 21. They will always arrive at their destination. 22. At night their dreams will be peaceful and happy. 23. Their deceased relatives will leave suffering behind. 24. They will receive the blessings from their past lives. 25. They will be praised by the sages. 26. They will be intelligent and their roots will be keen. 27. They will have magnanimous, kind, and sympathetic hearts. 28. They will ultimately attain Buddhahood. “
If you have similar experience as I had before, you can try to chant the sutra. Hope you a happy and auspicious life.
Meriam-Webster Dictionary defines Self-Awareness as “An awareness of one’s own personality or individuality.”
Becoming self-aware is not an easy task. Many of us probably feel like we know ourselves – strengths, weaknesses, areas needing improvement, etc. Heck, our lifecycle is one big experiment in assessment and evaluation.
Yet in the new age of social media, information bombards us from every angle. External messaging tells us where to shop, who to vote for, the newest hot spot for families, where to spend your hard earned money, etc.
Sound familiar? This unending stimulus challenges even the most resolute among us to be present and attentive in our engagements with colleagues, family and friends. This seismic change in daily information flow if fundamentally changing how we live our lives, and often not for the best.
People take various approaches to “figuring out” who they are; self-help courses, career counseling, traveling, continuing education, and new challenges like completing a Tough Mudder. These experiences are ways to explore deeper motivations that may shed light on the fact that many of us need external validation – hence the beauty of the internet, providing immediate satisfaction via the dopamine cycle that the internet provides.
Here’s some excerpts from the post:
First, perform a skills inventory that help identify your passion. What are your talents and how do you apply them to “pay the bills”.
Second, perform a self-awareness audit: You may be familiar with the traditional concept of an audit. However, this audit is different. The intent is to evaluate your strengths and areas needing improvement. The best way to do this is by requesting feedback from colleagues, friends and family. Asking those that who know you best to provide feedback. This “self-audit” is valuable because people do not self-assess enough, and when they do, the focus is often on the negatives, not their strengths. Once you finish your self-audit, what’s next?
Boost your self-awareness with these tips:
Celebrate Your Wins
Boundaries and Priorities
Shiny object syndrome
Design your Environment
Repetition/structure
Life experiences/mentor/counseling
Be appreciative
How do set create a positive environment to be successful:
Set priorities
Set boundaries
Put your phone away
Learn to do nothing
Journal non-productive thoughts
Brain Dump when your brain is racing
Take specific action steps to better relationships by:
Ask More Questions: Listen 2 x as much as speaking
Put Others First
Don’t Procrastinate – do it now
Engage in Self-Improvement – do one thing every day
Self-awareness is more than an experiment with personal exploration. It’s a broader pursuit of living outside of your own immediate needs and being present, genuine and appreciative of the many gifts in our life – people, health, livelihood, etc.
In a world that revolves around the next ‘like’, having perspective on your strengths and how to apply them, can lead to a more fulfilling life experience for you and those that you care for.
Buddhist Tales for Young and Old, volume 1, Prince Goodspeaker, Stories 1-50
Once upon a time, King Brahmadatta had a very wise adviser who understood the speech of animals. He understood what they said, and he could speak to them in their languages.
One day the adviser was wandering along the riverbank with his followers. They came upon some fishermen who had cast a big net into the river. While peering into the water, they noticed a big, handsome fish following his pretty wife.
Her shining scales reflected the morning sunlight in all the colors of the rainbow. Her feather-like fins fluttered like the delicate wings of a fairy, as they sent her gliding through the water. It was clear that her husband was so entranced by the way she looked and the way she moved, that he was not paying attention to anything else!
As they came near the net, the wife fish smelled it. Then she saw it and alertly avoided it at the very last moment. But her husband was so blinded by his desire for her, that he could not turn away fast enough. Instead, he swam right into the net and was trapped!
The fishermen pulled in their net and threw the big fish onto the shore. They built a fire and carved a spit to roast him on.
Lying on the ground, the fish was flopping around and groaning in agony. Since the wise adviser understood fish talk, he translated for the others. He said, “This poor fish is madly repeating over and over again:
“My wife! My wife! I must be with my wife! I care for her much more than for my life!
‘My wife! My wife! I must be with my wife! I care for her much more than for my life!”
The adviser thought, “Truly this fish has gone crazy. He is in this terrible state because he became a slave to his own desire. And it is clear that he has learned nothing from the results of his actions. If he dies keeping such agony, and the desire that caused it, in his mind, he will surely continue to suffer by being reborn in some hell world. Therefore, I must save him!”
So this kind man went over to the fishermen and said, “Oh my friends, loyal subjects of our king, you have never given me and my followers a fish for our curry. Won’t you give us one today?”
They replied, “Oh royal minister, please accept from us any fish you wish!” “This big one on the riverbank looks delicious,” said the adviser. “Please take him, sir,” they said.
Then he sat down on the bank. He took the fish, who was still groaning, into his hands. He spoke to him in the language only fish can understand, saying, “You foolish fish! If I had not seen you today, you would have gotten yourself killed. Your blind desire was leading you to continued suffering. From now on, do not let yourself be trapped by your own desires!”
Then the fish realized how fortunate he was to have found such a friend. He thanked him for his wise advice. The minister released the lucky fish back into the river and went on his way.
The moral is: Fools are trapped by their own desires.
In today’s high-tech, high-speed, high-stress world, communication is more important then ever, yet we seem to devote less and less time to really listening to one another. Genuine listening has become a rare gift—the gift of time. It helps build relationships, solve problems, ensure understanding, resolve conflicts, and improve accuracy. At work, effective listening means fewer errors and less wasted time. At home, it helps develop resourceful, self-reliant kids who can solve their own problems. Listening builds friendships and careers. It saves money and marriages.
Here are 10 tips to help you develop effective listening skills.
Step 1: Face the speaker and maintain eye contact.
Talking to someone while they scan the room, study a computer screen, or gaze out the window is like trying to hit a moving target. How much of the person’s divided attention you are actually getting? Fifty percent? Five percent? If the person were your child you might demand, “Look at me when I’m talking to you,” but that’s not the sort of thing we say to a lover, friend or colleague.
In most Western cultures, eye contact is considered a basic ingredient of effective communication. When we talk, we look each other in the eye. That doesn’t mean that you can’t carry on a conversation from across the room, or from another room, but if the conversation continues for any length of time, you (or the other person) will get up and move. The desire for better communication pulls you together.
Do your conversational partners the courtesy of turning to face them. Put aside papers, books, the phone and other distractions. Look at them, even if they don’t look at you. Shyness, uncertainty, shame, guilt, or other emotions, along with cultural taboos, can inhibit eye contact in some people under some circumstances. Excuse the other guy, but stay focused yourself.
Step 2: Be attentive, but relaxed.
Now that you’ve made eye contact, relax. You don’t have to stare fixedly at the other person. You can look away now and then and carry on like a normal person. The important thing is to be attentive. The dictionary says that to “attend” another person means to:
be present
give attention
apply or direct yourself
pay attention
remain ready to serve
Mentally screen out distractions, like background activity and noise. In addition, try not to focus on the speaker’s accent or speech mannerisms to the point where they become distractions. Finally, don’t be distracted by your own thoughts, feelings, or biases.
Step 3: Keep an open mind.
Listen without judging the other person or mentally criticizing the things she tells you. If what she says alarms you, go ahead and feel alarmed, but don’t say to yourself, “Well, that was a stupid move.” As soon as you indulge in judgmental bemusements, you’ve compromised your effectiveness as a listener.
Listen without jumping to conclusions. Remember that the speaker is using language to represent the thoughts and feelings inside her brain. You don’t know what those thoughts and feelings are and the only way you’ll find out is by listening.
Don’t be a sentence-grabber. Occasionally my partner can’t slow his mental pace enough to listen effectively, so he tries to speed up mine by interrupting and finishing my sentences. This usually lands him way off base, because he is following his own train of thought and doesn’t learn where my thoughts are headed. After a couple of rounds of this, I usually ask, “Do you want to have this conversation by yourself, or do you want to hear what I have to say?” I wouldn’t do that with everyone, but it works with him.
Step 4: Listen to the words and try to picture what the speaker is saying.
Allow your mind to create a mental model of the information being communicated. Whether a literal picture, or an arrangement of abstract concepts, your brain will do the necessary work if you stay focused, with senses fully alert. When listening for long stretches, concentrate on, and remember, key words and phrases.
When it’s your turn to listen, don’t spend the time planning what to say next. You can’t rehearse and listen at the same time. Think only about what the other person is saying.
Finally, concentrate on what is being said, even if it bores you. If your thoughts start to wander, immediately force yourself to refocus.
Step 5: Don’t interrupt and don’t impose your “solutions.”
Children used to be taught that it’s rude to interrupt. I’m not sure that message is getting across anymore. Certainly the opposite is being modeled on the majority of talk shows and reality programs, where loud, aggressive, in-your-face behavior is condoned, if not encouraged.
Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:
“I’m more important than you are.”
“What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant.”
“I don’t really care what you think.”
“I don’t have time for your opinion.”
“This isn’t a conversation, it’s a contest, and I’m going to win.”
We all think and speak at different rates. If you are a quick thinker and an agile talker, the burden is onyouto relax your pace for the slower, more thoughtful communicator—or for the guy who has trouble expressing himself.
When listening to someone talk about a problem, refrain from suggesting solutions. Most of us don’t want your advice anyway. If we do, we’ll ask for it. Most of us prefer to figure out our own solutions. We need you to listen and help us do that. Somewhere way down the line, if you are absolutely bursting with a brilliant solution, at least get the speaker’s permission. Ask, “Would you like to hear my ideas?”
Step 6: Wait for the speaker to pause to ask clarifying questions.
When you don’t understand something, of course you should ask the speaker to explain it to you. But rather than interrupt, wait until the speaker pauses. Then say something like, “Back up a second. I didn’t understand what you just said about…”
Step 7: Ask questions only to ensure understanding.
At lunch, a colleague is excitedly telling you about her trip to Vermont and all the wonderful things she did and saw. In the course of this chronicle, she mentions that she spent some time with a mutual friend. You jump in with, “Oh, I haven’t heard from Alice in ages. How is she?” and, just like that, discussion shifts to Alice and her divorce, and the poor kids, which leads to a comparison of custody laws, and before you know it an hour is gone and Vermont is a distant memory.
This particular conversational affront happens all the time. Our questions lead people in directions that have nothing to do with where they thought they were going. Sometimes we work our way back to the original topic, but very often we don’t.
When you notice that your question has led the speaker astray, take responsibility for getting the conversation back on track by saying something like, “It was great to hear about Alice, but tell me more about your adventure in Vermont.”
Step 8: Try to feel what the speaker is feeling.
If you feel sad when the person with whom you are talking expresses sadness, joyful when she expresses joy, fearful when she describes her fears—and convey those feelings through your facial expressions and words—then your effectiveness as a listener is assured. Empathy is the heart and soul of good listening.
To experience empathy, you have to put yourself in the other person’s place and allow yourself to feel what it is like to be her at that moment. This is not an easy thing to do. It takes energy and concentration. But it is a generous and helpful thing to do, and it facilitates communication like nothing else does.
Step 9: Give the speaker regular feedback.
Show that you understand where the speaker is coming from by reflecting the speaker’s feelings. “You must be thrilled!” “What a terrible ordeal for you.” “I can see that you are confused.” If the speaker’s feelings are hidden or unclear, then occasionally paraphrase the content of the message. Or just nod and show your understanding through appropriate facial expressions and an occasional well-timed “hmmm” or “uh huh.”
The idea is to give the speaker some proof that you are listening, and that you are following her train of thought—not off indulging in your own fantasies while she talks to the ether.
In task situations, regardless of whether at work or home, always restate instructions and messages to be sure you understand correctly.
Step 10: Pay attention to whatisn’tsaid—to nonverbal cues.
If you exclude email, the majority of direct communication is probably nonverbal. We glean a great deal of information about each other without saying a word. Even over the telephone, you can learn almost as much about a person from the tone and cadence of her voice than from anything she says. When I talk to my best friend, it doesn’t matter what we chat about, if I hear a lilt and laughter in her voice, I feel reassured that she’s doing well.
Face to face with a person, you can detect enthusiasm, boredom, or irritation very quickly in the expression around the eyes, the set of the mouth, the slope of the shoulders. These are clues you can’t ignore. When listening, remember that words convey only a fraction of the message.
For at least one week, at the end of every conversation in which information is exchanged, conclude with a summary statement. In conversations that result in agreements about future obligations or activities, summarizing will not only ensure accurate follow-through, it will feel perfectly natural. In conversations that do not include agreements, if summarizing feels awkward just explain that you are doing it as an exercise.
