I Chose to Be the Sun—and My Relationship With My Father Changed
There is a saying that has stayed with me:
“If you have never experienced what others have gone through, do not be quick to judge their faults. If you have never endured their suffering, do not be quick to tell them how they should behave. If you had suffered what I have suffered, you might not have done any better than I did.”
It sounds like such a simple truth. Yet for many years, I failed to truly understand it.
Growing up, my father was strict and authoritative. My relationship with my mother was completely different—we were close, comfortable, and deeply connected.
As I grew older, conflicts between my parents became more frequent. I instinctively took my mother’s side and rarely tried to understand my father’s perspective. Over time, my judgments about him became deeply rooted.
Even when I became seriously ill and my father cared for me tirelessly, without complaint, I still struggled to let go of my resentment. I continued to hold on to painful memories of the arguments between my parents.
I was looking at my father through the lens of the past.
After my mother passed away, my father was overwhelmed with grief. Yet he tried to remain strong for me, knowing that talking about my mother might make me sad.
Suddenly, there were only the two of us.
When we went for walks together, my father often talked about things that had happened many years ago. Instead of recognizing the loneliness behind his words, I became impatient. I corrected him, contradicted him, and sometimes lost my temper.
Eventually, he quietly said something that touched me deeply:
“If you don’t like talking to me, at least don’t lose your temper with me.”
His words made me stop and look at myself.
One day, I suddenly saw my own behavior clearly.
I realized that I had been holding on to the painful history of my parents’ marriage and using it to justify my inability to understand my father.
But how could I possibly know all the causes and conditions behind their relationship? How could I know everything my father had experienced, feared, endured, or carried silently in his heart?
I began asking myself a different question:
Instead of waiting for someone else to change, can I change myself first?
I decided that I could.
I wanted to become a more patient and understanding daughter. I wanted to listen instead of judge, to let go instead of cling to the past, and to practice filial love through my everyday actions.
I remembered Aesop’s fable The North Wind and the Sun. The North Wind tried to force a traveler to remove his coat, but the Sun simply warmed him, and eventually the traveler took it off himself.
I decided that I wanted to be the sun.
Little by little, something changed.
When I was away from home, I began calling my father at the same time each day just to check on him. When I was with him, I made a conscious effort to sit down, listen, and talk rather than hurry away.
I did not change him.
I changed myself.
And as I changed, our relationship changed too.
The coldness between us gradually softened. The two people who had once struggled to communicate began sharing a much more peaceful and harmonious life.
Looking back, I realize that sometimes the distance between two people is not created by a lack of love. Sometimes it is created by old judgments, unresolved attachments, and our unwillingness to see beyond our own version of the past.
This transformation came through sincerely learning and practicing Buddhism, and through receiving guidance from the Dharma discourses of Namo H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III.
I came to understand more deeply that Buddha Dharma is not separate from ordinary life. It is practiced in the way we speak to our parents, how we respond when someone frustrates us, and whether we can recognize our own faults before pointing out the faults of others.
We often wish that other people would become more patient, more understanding, or more compassionate.
But perhaps the first question should be:
Have I become the person I am asking others to be?
Every person carries a story we may never fully know. Before judging someone, perhaps we should remember that we have not walked in their shoes.
There may be painful knots in our relationships that seem impossible to untie. But sometimes the first knot begins to loosen when we stop asking, “Why doesn’t this person change?”
And instead ask:
“What can I change in myself?”
Sometimes, one small change in ourselves can bring warmth into an entire relationship.
And sometimes, becoming the sun is enough.
Link: https://myhappylifestyle.net/2026/09/08/there-is-no-generation-gap-am-i-the-north-wind-or-the-sun/
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Peace LiLy 